Sunday, February 7, 2016

The Savage Life of Aunt Flo...

The Savage Life of Aunt Flo…
History Note: Aunt Flo, has been around since B.C., I’m convinced she’s the reason Eve was so tempted to get a piece of fruit from that tree. She was craving something sweet…

Aunt Flo usually shows up when she damn well pleases. You may have met your Great Auntie many years ago when you were just a Tween. And as the years moved on, you learned to tolerate her visits. She appears while you’re at home, watching the not so secret life of ratchet chicks on Mona Scott Young’s favorite network.  You suddenly get the urge to eat every piece of chocolate on planet Earth; yet your stomach feels like it just went ten rounds with Rhonda Rousey. You give into that urge because the magnetic force inside of you is pulling you to that Snickers bar, like a 2 ton truck and you can’t control it. Not to mention you were doing great on your latest healthy lifestyle change and down 2lbs, but you feel like you easily picked up 10lbs due to the fact that you’ve been eating chocolate like there will be a famine in the next 7 days. All of this has made you cranky and irritable and craving more chocolate.


I mean, you knew this day was coming, because every 28 days Aunt Flo comes over to terrorize and invade your body like a rapist from an episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.

 She causes you to have blackheads. She makes you emotional. She interrupts your pH balance, causing you to sweat the like a teenage boy in gym class. Every bathroom break looks like a marked off, yellow taped homicide crime scene.

She brings hyper-pigmentation to parts of your skin that could do without it. She makes you tired and sluggish. Then, to add insult to injury, as if you’re not going through enough, she has you feeling and looking bloated. You be like damn Flo, WTF? 

You literally want to rip your own uterus out of your body and spike it into another universe. Your multiple visits to the gym per week have come to a halt because the way your body is set up at the moment, cardio and fitness in general is not an option.


The thing that makes Aunt Flo so savage is that month after month, although you despise her visit, you give into the fact that you need her. Like you absolutely need this broad. As a woman you need Aunt Flo as much as you need air to breathe. So you stay capping for this heffa because without her, you wouldn’t be able to bare children and her presence allows your body to replenish those eggs.  If she doesn’t show her red headed self, it could mean: pregnancy, sickness, stress, menopause or a slew of other things. If she doesn’t come visit you on time you be in straight panic mode. You be praying like, please forgive me Jesus for anything I ever said or done. Please just let her show up! She’s the ultimate oxymoron of your life. You love that she comes, actually you have a sense of relief when she roll up; but you hate her all the while because she hurts you. She physically and mentally hurts you. Then, 28 days later you anticipate her return and do it all over again.  Damn… she savage as hell! 

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